Life by design in a relationship (Hint: It isn’t always easy)

A few days ago, on Facebook, I shared the graphic below with the statement “Good questions to ask when designing an intentional life.” It prompted some great conversation withing my circle of friends. What if the life you want to design upsets your partner? Can you upset your partner and be true to who you are? Is it okay to upset your partner so that you can remain true to the person you want to be and the life you want to live?

And these are such great questions because often when you start to build a lifestyle that prevents the development of type 2 diabetes, it can make those closest to you uncomfortable. You can’t keep the habits that are making you sick and expect to regain your health. And this may rock the boat in your personal relationships.

I want to point out that there is a distinct difference between upsetting someone and causing them harm. The main goal of yoga is to reduce dukkha which is the Sanskrit term for suffering. One of the main causes of suffering is the desire for things as we know them to stay the same. When we can get comfortable in the knowing that nothing stays the same, life gets slightly easier to accept.

This also applies to relationships. Especially long-term relationships. And the longer we are in those relationships, the more life happens to us and the more we change. I am going to share some guidelines I use when making intentional life decisions.

I find that referencing the Yamas from the eight limbs of yoga, helpful when digesting topics such as this. Yamas are ethical guidelines that help us navigate life when we do not have clear cut answers.

The first Yama is Ahimsa. Which is non-violence, non-harming and compassion in thought, word and deed.

Application looks like: Does this decision harm the other person? Are my actions done with compassion? How do I have compassion for the other persons experience while I honor my need to grow and remain true to myself? Does choosing to not have this conversation cause me harm now or in the long term?

For many years, I was the one constantly growing and my partner had the role of witnessing that growth. I never understood until recently how challenging and uncomfortable (and beautiful at the same time) it can be for your person to grow, change and start communicating what being true to themselves looks like. It can be unsettling. It can cause you to question the strength of the relationship and if that person will one day outgrow you. Compassion for your partners experience of this is key, and understandable.

The second Yama is Satya. Being truthful in all interactions.

Application looks like: Am I being truthful with my partner or am I holding back my truth in order to keep them from getting upset? Am I being truthful with myself?

The third Yama is Asteya or non-stealing.

Application looks like: By not having hard conversations with my loved one, am I stealing their opportunity to give feedback, change, respond, speak their truth or grow with me? By not having a potentially challenging conversation, am I stealing from myself?

The fourth Yama is Brahmacharya which is non-excess or celibacy.

Application: In the context of this blog topic application of non-excess looks like meeting your person and yourself in the middle. Not taking a black and white stance.

The fifth Yama is Aparigraha which is non-greed or non-possessiveness.

You can apply this as not having an attachment to outcome of the conversation. The conversation may not go how we want. That does not mean the end of the conversation. Often it is the invitation to lean in and get curious about why a person feels or thinks the way they do.

Years ago, I came across a quote by Heidi Priebe that states “To love a person long term is to attend a thousand funerals of the person they used to be.” It is so true. Parenthood changes us, medical diagnoses change us, witnessing trauma changes us, being alive changes us. To expect the person we are in a relationship to never change is unrealistic. It is a beautiful thing to have the privilege to witness our partners growth and change. And through open dialogue, together you have the opportunity to design a life that supports you both individually and as a couple/family.

I will close on this note. Communication is an art. It is not a onetime act. We hear things through the filter of many life experiences. Think of the game where you whisper something into the ear of a person next to you and they whisper what they think they heard into the next persons ear and this goes on until it makes it to the last person. The message is rarely the original message. Same with communication. Be prepared to have many curious conversations and don’t be afraid to enlist the help of a marriage and family counselor. Healthy couples get counseling too.

Need help starting a difficult conversation? Here is a worksheet to get you started. Difficult Conversation Worksheet