Every behavior serves a purpose (or solves a problem).
This week, we will expand on some of the concepts in the last blog post on Surfing the Discomfort of Boundary Setting, mainly the topic of curiosity. Last week there was the invitation to be curious around why your person feels resistance to your boundary. You can learn a lot if you lean in with genuine curiosity. Understanding someone’s concerns and fears allows for an opportunity to deepen connections and hopefully to build a healthier life together.
Leaning into that curiosity, for yourself as well as others, what purpose does this behavior serve? Even substance abuse starts out as a way to solve a problem. Whether the problem is loneliness (I will fit in if I eat/drink/smoke/snort/inject substance of choice), coping or self-soothing at the end of a rough day.
What comes up for your partner if you start changing? Are they now faced with their own issues around their health? Does for them, having a partner, also unhealthy and in pain, provide them with some justification for not taking responsibility for some aspects of their health? (Some people do not know who they would be without their illness/diagnosis or pain.) Are they worried that you would leave them or the relationship dynamics will change if you reach your weight and aesthetic goals? Generally, behaviors serve the purpose of keeping the individual safe. In this case, behaviors keep identity safe, relationships safe and the familiar safe…
You can apply this to yourself as well. What do your behaviors protect? What problems do they solve? Does not setting a boundary around your health protect your identity? Who would you be without that? Does keeping that extra layer of adipose tissue (fat) you complain about, protect you from being noticed by the opposite sex? Maybe it keeps peace in your relationship because your partner feels more secure in the relationship when you are larger bodied?
Maybe on a less dramatic level, maybe eating late at night solves the problem of boredom, or not having hobbies or a life that fulfills you. It may not solve your health problem, but it solves a different problem.
I read a question the other day that went something like this: “If you eat, workout and care for yourself one way when you are single, then you behave differently in a relationship, and go back to eating well, working out and self-care after the divorce or break-up… who are you really?” Simply some food for thought.
That is all for this week. You are invited to lean in with curiosity. What will you learn about your partner, family or friends if you approach topics like this with curiosity. Even more important, what will you learn about yourself?