Perspectives on the Discomfort of Boundary Setting

It is Sunday, and I am going through my notes in a Sleep, Stress Management and Recovery Coaching Certification that I am currently enrolled in. This current section is talking about setting goals and auditing your day to add things that move you to your desired goal.

What it does not discuss is the challenges that come with setting boundaries when you start changing your lifestyle. Your partner, adult children, friends, family and sometimes even co-workers may feel challenged or inconvenienced by your new schedule, routine and eating lifestyle.

Maybe your person has benefited from your company and participation in unhealthy lifestyle activities. Maybe you are enabling their lifestyle. Perhaps at the cost of your own health physically or financially. Is their emotional discomfort worth your discomfort of living in a body with inflammation, digestive issues, autoimmune challenges? Or maybe your boundaries will provide an opportunity for them to be more financially responsible.

Here is your reminder that it is not your job to manage their emotions and make sure they are comfortable. Especially if it comes at an expense to your well-being. (I do need to be clear here and say that I am not talking about underage children that are still dependent on you. I am speaking about adults with free will and autonomy.)   

Having some filtering questions can lead you to some clarity around your decisions to ease their discomfort (and thus your own discomfort).

·       Am I making this decision to not set this boundary from a place of conditioned people pleasing and self-abandonment?

·       Is this person capable of making their own dinner or resourcing meals without me? (Uncomfortable truth: Your partner likely has a vehicle and money. They can go to the store, cook their own food or drive to a restaurant if it’s that important to them. If you died tomorrow from ill health, they would figure it out. They might as well do it now and you keep your health.)

·       Is my decision to continue in this way, enabling an unhealthy relationship dynamic? Are you robbing yourself and your partner of an opportunity to grow stronger together by self-sacrificing your needs for both of your comfort? The healthiest of relationships recognize that their partner will grow and needs throughout the lifetime will change. With growth and change come discomfort. They don’t call them growing pains for nothing.

On the note of communication of boundaries and new lifestyle…Curiosity and frequent communication will get you far.

I will share an example. Last year I realized alcohol was impacting my sleep quality and contributing to lowered ability to handle stress, I decided to cut back on my evening wine consumption. My fiancé had some strong emotions about me making that decision. I got curious about what he was feeling so strongly about; curious about what me not drinking brought up for him, for us. Turns out, he was concerned about us not having our nightly routine in which we drank wine, connected and talked about the day’s events. I assured him we would still connect in the same way, but I would be drinking hot tea. I don’t want you to think this was a one-time conversation or one that was always easy. I distinctly remember him in one conversation picking that he was a “bad influence” and I responded that influence worked both ways and I could not be unwillingly influenced. Lol!  Fast forward to now, we both have been sober for 9 months. I usually have some water and he will have an non-alcoholic beer when we connect at the end of the day. This journey has been a process with lots of opportunities for growth, curiosity and consistent communication.

Being in your power and not martyring yourself for someone else is key. If you expect them to change their actions to match your own so it is easier on you, you are only setting yourself up to fail. Their actions and decisions are out of your control. If your success hinges on them joining you on your journey, you are looking at an uphill battle.

In my experience, not asking them to change, reduces some of the resistance. Drinking tea, while your person has an adult beverage…Sitting in a restaurant while they eat dinner and you fast…y’all are on separate journeys. You are the only one in control of your health. Your health is not your partner’s responsibility.

This is your invitation to stop handing over your power to someone else. It is your invitation to sit in some discomfort while they surf their discomfort. Setting boundaries is an art. And you won’t get it “right” the first time. Stay curious and keep communication open. Setting boundaries is also like working out. You will have the discomfort of being sore after the first few workouts, but then it gets easier. Same with boundaries. You will become more comfortable at letting people down, not being accommodating and disappointing people.

Here is a little statistic for you women: According to the National Center for Biotechnology Information(NCBI), “A staggering 61 out of 100 men will marry or date someone two years after spousal loss. The figures are twice higher than numbers recorded for women within the same period.”

Moral of the story ladies, you are replaceable. If you allow your health to be drained and die early, he will find someone else to fill his needs. Circling back to the topic of goals at the beginning of this blog, take this information and adjust accordingly. May you live long and prosper. And may your person choose to grow along with you.

Ferally yours,

Heidi G